Stupid Support Request

An actual tech support request we just received at work:

I still can not get on, even with my passwords it comes back saying I
need to find something and I have no idea of what it is asking for,
help!

Stupid Encryuption

Client: “What the best practice for sending financial or other information that needs to be secure. Someone mentioned “Lock Box” or other sites like this. Is this a data sharing site? I know there has been some recent controversy over a data sharing site that was shut down recently.”

Consultant: “What types of data are you dealing with, and where and with whom are you trying to share this data? There are different types of security options available depending on what the data is and where and how it is being shared.”

Client: “It is company financial data along with some sensitive salary and benefit information that my boss wants sent to a particular individual.”

Consultant: “Encrypting the data is quite simple. Setting it up so that the recipient can DEcrypt it is the tricky part and depends on the recipient’s technical capabilities, which we don’t know.”

Client: “Frankly, I am not worried about their end of things, my only concern is getting this information encrypted and sent per my boss’ ASAP request.”

Consultant: <facepalm>

Despite further attempts to explain to Client, a corporation’s Chief Financial Officer, the importance of knowing if the receiving party has the capability to decrypt software, Consultant was unable to do so.

Stupid AT&T 3G Microcell

A few months ago I was given an AT&T 3G Microcell because the coverage in my home area is terrible. Great! The problem is that this device wants to be placed outside of my firewall. I don’t like that because 1) I can’t control it, and be certain someone outside my firewall can’t hack it and start using my minutes and 2) I don’t like having some weirdo device I’ve no experience with being in front of my Internet connection if I can help it.

As feared, within days of activating the device, my Internet connection began to suffer. Every day, we needed to reboot the stupid thing.

So I called AT&T Wireless Support. After half an hour on the phone with a tech, I was given the number for Enhanced Support. I called this number, only to be disconnected as soon as I had finished entering all sorts of options into the system.

I called back, and after some time, was connected to a nice gentleman, likely in Bangalore, who told me I had called AT&T Home Support. He gave me the right number, which I called.

And I found myself right back at AT&T Home Support… Wonderful.

So I called back to the original wireless support number and, after some time, was connected to a live human who told me that I had reached the Enhanced Support line. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?

After 25 minutes and 38 seconds on and off hold, the line went dead.

I called back, and got someone who was very sorry to hear about the problems and told me she’d help me. I said “Great!” After explaining that I have a lot of experience managing firewalls, and want instructions on how to program my firewall so that the 3G Microcell can function from behind the firewall, I was put on hold. After some time, I was told, get this, that “the only way to make it work was to reprogram my firewall.”

No kidding.

Stupid Computer

Me: “I need you to click on ‘My Computer.'”
Client: “I don’t have that.”
Me: “It’s on your Desktop.”
Client: “Where?”
Me: “In the upper left corner.”
Client: “I don’t see it.”
Me: “What do you have there?”
Client: “My Documents, My Computer, My Network Places…”
Me: “I quit.”

Stupid File Transfer

Me: Hi, Tech. We’re assisting XYZ Corp., a customer of yours, and we need a new version of ABC App to run on their new server.

Tech: Uhhh… yeah, we got that.

Me: Great! Can I download it?

Tech: We can send you a CD.

Me: We’d like it today.

Tech: I can email it to you!

Me: How big is it?

Tech: About 50MB.

Me: (yeah right…) Okay, do that.

Hours later…

Me: Hi Tech’s voicemail, we still haven’t gotten that file. Maybe you could use http://senduit.com or http://wikisend.com to send it to us?

Time passes…

Tech: I tried both of those sites, but they don’t work. Can I just use our FTP site to get it to you?

Me: …

Stupid Postage

We took a large envelope to the local post office to have it mailed. They weighed it, and charged us $1.68 for postage.

The envelope was held at the receiving post office for lack of $0.40 postage.

Apparently the envelope got heavier in transit. I suspect this is the result of some sort of quantum physics effect due to the tremendous speed with which the envelope was transported.

PGP?

From: Me
Sent: Monday, September 26, 2011 8:46 PM
To: Man, Sales
Subject: PGP for Windows?

Hi Sales,

Do you carry PGP? I need a price on a single license for a single user
of MS Outlook to decrypt emails.

Thanks,

Me
From: Man, Sales
To: Me
Subject: Re: PGP for Windows? 

PGP?

Thanks!

Sales Man

East Coast Regional Sales Rep

Employee/Owner since 2003
From: Me
To: Man, Sales
Subject: Re: PGP for Windows? 

Yes, PGP.
From: Man, Sales
To: Me
Subject: Re: PGP for Windows? 

I'm not familiar with PGP. What is it? 

Thanks!

Sales Man

East Coast Regional Sales Rep

Employee/Owner since 2003
From: Me
To: Man, Sales
Subject: Re: PGP for Windows? 

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=PGP

What’s a Modem?

Me: Hi Sales Guy. I need an HP 4000P desktop PC (LA070UT) with an internal modem.

Sales Guy: Hey Me. In stock, in NJ. Not sure what you mean by an internal modem. Please clarify.

Regards,
Sales Guy

Seriously? You work as a salesman of computer hardware and you don’t know what an internal modem is? I mean, sure, maybe you’ve lived on cable, DSL, or fiber for the entirety of your Internet life, but you’ve never heard of a modem?