I can haz stupid?!

Ever had a call from a stupid salesperson? You know, the kind who thinks that they can earn and engender your trust so as to close a deal by outright lying to your receptionist and telling you they are returning your call, or calling to finish up a conversation (that never started)? Today I stumbled across the perfect solution for these stupid tactics.

Me:

Hi Rep,

Does Companyname offer an option to import invoices into Quickbooks?

Thanks,

Me

Rep:

Drew,

Do we offer anything that would work for John and his request?

Thank you,

Rep

Note: My name, while withheld for purposes of anonymity, is not John.

Drew:

The invoices are being sent via email, can a pdf not be brought right in to quickbooks?

Me:

I can haz new stupid server

Actual emailed received today:

Hi,

Thank you for your interest with the Comodo One platform. This is (your name), I am your Partnership Manager and I’m reaching out from the Partner Success Relationship Team here at Comodo.
I’ve been trying to reach you to discuss your recent registration with the Comodo One platform. Please let me know when you’ll be available to discuss this with me.

Thanks and Regards,

xxxxxxx xxxxxxxx| Comodo ONE Customer Care Representative | Office: +1 201-xxx-xxxx
[email protected] | Skype ID: xxx.xxxxxxx

Note to people copying and pasting email templates: fill in the blanks, or the “your name” fields with something other than “(your name).”

Hi Me,

We value our relationship with you and we want you to be the first to know about a new product we be launching at Some Conference on November 11th.

I’d like you join me for an exclusive customer-only Sneak Preview on November 5th. At this live demo and Q& A, we’ll unveil the product and cover really important information to see if it’s the right fit for your organization.

Please take a moment to Register Now.

Best regards,

Dor

P.S. This is a pre-release event for our customers only. By
attending this event, you agree to keep the information
confidential until the release at Some Conference.

Dorknob M. Lastname
President

The problem? This company has no relationship with me, and we are not customers of theirs! But it’s good to know that we’re valued. So I follow the process to unsubscribe from their list, and then this happens:

Hi Me,
I got the notification below that you registered a spam complaint and removed yourself from all groups in our system. If you wish to not receive particular notifications you can remove yourself from a group by managing your profile settings.  If you unsubscribe from all we cannot send you any notifications from our system at all.  We take spam complaints very seriously as we do not ever want to spam our customers but we do want to keep them informed of important information. We apologize if this was sent in error.
Best Regards
Dor

The problem? We’re still not customers of theirs! But at least we got an apology about the error.

I purchased a new condo. The city had not issued a divided tax bill. As a result, every owner in the new condominium received the same tax bill. One owner’s bank paid his portion – approximately 20% of the bill. My bank was second to pay… and they paid the balance due on the account – approximately 80% of the taxes due. (Basically, I paid 3 of my neighbors’ taxes for them.)

#TOP

Me: You need to get my tax escrow overpayment back.

Bank: But we paid the bill.

Me: Yes, but the bill was for ALL UNITS in the condo.

Bank: But we just paid what the city told us to.

Me: City, you need to refund my tax overpayment.

City: That’s a problem for your bank – we don’t issue refunds.

Me: Bank, the city says they don’t issue refunds.

Bank: We’ll talk to them.

#MIDDLE

Me: You need to get my tax escrow overpayment back.

Bank: But we paid the bill.

Me: Yes, but the bill was for ALL UNITS in the condo.

Bank: But we just paid what the city told us to.

Me: You told me that last time I called.

GOTO #MIDDLE 3 TIMES

Bank: Let me get a manager.

<TIME PASSES>

Bank: Okay, someone will be in touch!

Me: That’s what I was told last time.

Bank: Have you emailed us?

Me: Yes.

Bank: Email us again.

Me: Fine.

GOTO #TOP

Me: I entered the password, but the site says the password is incorrect.

<Several days of email correspondence ensues, resulting in Tech Support realizing that the password I was entering was being completely ignored by their software.>

Tech Support: The FTP information inside the Config.php file was incorrect.

Me: Hi Vendor,

Do you have a resource for quoting MS Project? I don’t know anything about it, and am not sure if the server is required always, or optional, or just adds new features. I have a client who may need licenses for as many as 10 users.

Can you help?

Thanks,

Me

Vendor:Hi Team,

Please help quote below for account
000000
COMPANY NAME

Let me know if you need anything else.

Many thanks,

Vendor

Team1: Hello Me J*

See link below for more information on Licensing Project.
https://products.office.com/en-us/project/microsoft-project-licensing
Kindly advise if you need Project Standard or Project Pro

Project License Only 076-05334 Microsoft®Project 2013 Sngl OLP 1License NoLevel

Or

Project Professional License Only H30-04073
Microsoft®ProjectProfessional 2013 Sngl OLP 1License NoLevel w/1ProjectSvrCAL

–note that if the customer orders less than 5 licenses, a valid authorization number will be needed— if there is no valid re order number we could add filler sku to fulfill order of 5.

Team1

Me: Hello,

As I indicated in my first email, I know nothing about current editions of Project, so I don’t know if we need Standard, Pro, Server, Cloud, etc. and I am looking for instruction on how to select the proper version for my client. They have 10 users who will be collaborating on documents. We are open to using a cloud version if appropriate.

Thanks,

Me

Team2: Here is your cost per user/license for the cloud based. WQ00000000

Let us know if they wish to go with the perpetual license instead.

Regards,

Team2

Me: *facepalm*

Jason: Hello Name,
 
It’s Jason, the Culture Trainer at Company- just checking in to see how you’re doing.
 
Just in case you haven’t heard- I’ve got a Culture Webinar (Based Upon Tech Performance) coming up next week.  It’ll be on August 19, at 10:00am PST.  This is an ideal webinar for Operations Leadership, Service Management and CEO’s (sic) who oversee the day to day operations.
 
ExpertHR:  Techs – How Company Culture can Limit Intellectual Performance
 
Also, I recently wrote a Culture-based whitepaper- which I’ve attached.  Feel free to check this out later today.
 
I’m here to help, and if you’d like to schedule a call, just hit REPLY!
 
Hope to talk to you soon,
 
Jason Example
Certified DISC & Culture Consultant
CPBA, CPMA

Me: Unsubscribe

Jason: Well this was a personal email, so I’m not sure how to unsubscribe you.

I will ask my Marketing Department how to accommodate.

Me: Just take me off your list / address book.

Thanks

Me

Jason: Done, thank you for the heads up.

Happy to teach you how to use email, Jason!