Author: !stupid

Stupid Distribution

Hi My Company Team,,

My name is Marnie, Account Manager from EXAMPLE Corporation. We are one of the largest distributors in the US with over $10 billion in sales in 2013 covering Microsoft, Symantec, Seagate, Kodak, Lexmark, Brother, Okidata, Kyocera, Ruckus Wireless, Muratec, Cisco, Avaya, Panasonic, Lenovo, Sharp, HP, Asus, Epson, Toshiba, Canon, and more Hardware and Software Products.

I am eager to begin our relationship with you. Great pricing, product
availability, and credit are all things that help you run your business. I feel strongly that we can be a great supplier for you and save you money.
We carry over 600 lines of computer hardware and software products and it is also possible for us to go out and add a line that you might need.

Feel free to revert back through my email or you can contact me directly at 555-555-555 if you have any questions.

Why EXAMPLE?
• Distinct, efficient, low-cost, business model
• Seasoned executive management team—many have been with EXAMPLE for 20+ years.
• Fortune 300 Company – ranked #XXX on Fortune 500 list—over $10Billion in sales in FY2013
• 32 years of operating history
• Consistent performer: 100 consecutive profitable quarters!!!
• Established long-standing industry relationships
• #1 HP, Lexmark, Kodak, Ruckus Wireless, Cisco, Okidata, Kyocera, Muratec, Panasonic, Lenovo, Sharp, Asus, Epson, Toshiba, and Canon, Symantec, StorageCraft Distributor
• 11 warehouses strategically located across the US (FL, GA, TX, MS, IL, OH, NJ, VA, OR, Ontario CA, and Fremont, CA)
• GSA Schedule
• NYSE: EXMPL

Thank you.

Marnie Name | Account Manager
EXAMPLE Corporation
Office: 555-555-5555 (Direct Line)
Toll Free: 800-555-5555 Ext. 5555
Fax: 555-360-5555
Email: [email protected]
LINE CARD: http://www.example.com/vendors
www.example.com/smbconnect

Reply:

Please speak with Annie Example, our Example Account Manager.

Thanks,
Me

Stupid Persistence

Here’s a stupid way to try to connect to a new prospect. There’s persistence, and there’s annoyance, and a fine line in between!

Date: 2014-11-18
Subject: Prospect, Let Me Introduce the My Company Solution

Hello Prospect,

My name is Jon and I wanted to introduce myself to Your Company. Looking over your website, some of the features you offer your customers today fall in line with what we look for in a partner.

I want to tell you how the My Company solution can help you save time and money managing your backups for your clients today and for the future to come. We are currently offering an Unlimited site license for oncoming partners and would like to share the offer with you.

When would be the best time to connect with you for 10 minutes to see just how we can do that?

Best,

Jon
Jonathan Name
Account Executive

Date: 2014-11-20
Subject: Prospect, I’m Looking to Connect

Hi Prospect,

I hope you had the chance to review the email I sent a few days ago and would like to connect for a few minutes to see how My Company can add value to Your Company.

Here is some of what Company has to offer:

Platform Features  Type A  Type B  Type C
 SMB Site (multiple users) 1 1 1
Cloud storage  3 TB  300 GB  100 GB
 File / folder  Included   Included   Included 
 SQL  Included   Included   Included 
 Exchange  Included   Included   Included 
 Local Recovery  Included   Included   Included 
 US-Based Support  Included   Included   Included 
 Physical imaging  Included   Included   Included 
 Virtual imaging  Included   Included   Included 
 QuickSpin  Included   Included   Included 
 Bare Metal  Included   Included   Included 
 Compliance  Included   Included   Included 
 RMM and PSA Integrations  Included   Included   Included 
 Additional Cloud Storage  .15/GB  .25/GB  .30/GB

 

We are currently offering our partners an unlimited site license for each of their clients as you can see above.

Would you have some time today to take a quick call?

Regards,

Jon
Jonathan Name
Account Executive

Date: 2014-11-24
Subject: Prospect, I’m Interested to Learn about Your Company

Hi Prospect,

Do you have any interest in learning about the My Company backup solution and our partner program?

It will only take a few minutes for both of us to determine if My Company and Your Company would be a worthwhile partnership.

Do you have five minutes to speak today?

Kind Regards,

Jon
Jonathan Name
Account Executive

Date: 2014-11-26
Subject: Prospect, Do you have 5 minutes?

Hi Prospect,

We have never met, but I was looking over your company’s website and noticed how Your Company provides peace of mind to their clients by backing up their critical data, ensuring they are always in business.

Here at My Company, we have developed an all-in-one backup solution for companies like yours, providing the necessary features and functionality to support all of your clients backup needs.

Do you have 5 minutes today to determine if we would be a good fit for one another?

All the Best,

Jon
Jonathan Name
Account Executive

Date: 2014-12-02
Subject: Prospect, Just busy or not Interested?

Hi Prospect,

I have been trying to connect with you in regards to the My Company ECHOplatform backup solution.

We have created an all-in-one centralized management portal for MSP’s just like yourself that is a robust, business grade backup solution.

Let’s connect for 5 minutes, I’m sure you won’t be disappointed!

Best,

Jon
Jonathan Name
Account Executive

Date: 2014-12-04
Subject: Prospect, Should I keep trying?

Hi Prospect,

I have tried to contact you over the past few weeks on how MSPs are using My Company for their local, offsite and virtual backup needs.

I am going to close your file on my end so I don’t become a pest. However, I do think we can add value to your organization so I encourage you to keep my details on file for when you’re ready to explore My Company’ Partnership.

We are offering all new partners a new pricing package: enabling you to offer your clients to backup Unlimited devices for a fixed low monthly cost!

Regards,
Jon

Jonathan Name
Account Executive

 

Date: 2014-12-04
Subject: Re: Prospect, Just busy or not Interested?

Hi Jonathan,

Lil’ late for that whole “not being a pest” thing.

Best,

Prospect

 

 

Classic Stupid Tech Support Urban Legends

These stories have been circulating the Internet for years. They may not be true, but they sure are stupid.

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one.
Tech support: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it..

Tech support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

From the days before wireless…

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK!
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.

Customer: I can’t get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That’s not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry… Internet Explorer..

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: ‘No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.’

Tech support: ‘Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.’
Bob: I don’t have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Bob: What do you mean?
Tech support: ‘P’…..on your keyboard, Bob.
Bob: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Stupid Minimums

Me: I’m trying to find a SKU for 1 license of Super Security Device Encryption for a single user/device. Can you help?

Distributor: Your quote is attached. I quoted this as new, let me know if this was for renewal. Top line is the perpetual license and is one time purchase, the next three lines are the 1,2 and 3 year options for the USC.

Me: Does the base license SKU have a minimum purchase of 5 licenses or can you just get 1?

Vendor: The base or perpetual license is based on number of devices.

Me: … So, no minimum purchase needed?

Vendor: Sorry missed that question, no there is no min purchase (meaning there is not a specific number needed) but they do need at least one. I believe in most cases I see the same number ordered as there are users, I can double check with Super Security on that.

You missed that question? It was the only question I asked!

Stupid (non-)psychics

Field: There is an account I can’t access. It appears to be done as I cannot open. Is this all set?

Me: Can you tell me the name of this account?

Seriously, we should just know the accounts you’re having trouble with as soon as you ask for help.

Are you now, or have you ever been stupid?

Field Manager on 10/13: Please give Bill Murray, employee #AAABBB access to System A.

Me: Bill already has access to that system and has been an active user.

 

Field Manager on 10/20: Please give Bill Murray, employee #AAABBB access to System A.

Me: Bill already has access to that system and has been an active user.

 

Field Manager on 10/27: Please give Bill Murray, employee #AAABBB access to System A.

Me: Bill already has access to that system and has been an active user. Is any assistance needed?

 

(Sometimes I wonder if they’re just playing a trick on me.)