Classic Stupid Tech Support Urban Legends

These stories have been circulating the Internet for years. They may not be true, but they sure are stupid.

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one.
Tech support: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it..

Tech support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

From the days before wireless…

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK!
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.

Customer: I can’t get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That’s not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry… Internet Explorer..

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: ‘No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.’

Tech support: ‘Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.’
Bob: I don’t have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Bob: What do you mean?
Tech support: ‘P’…..on your keyboard, Bob.
Bob: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Stupid Minimums

Me: I’m trying to find a SKU for 1 license of Super Security Device Encryption for a single user/device. Can you help?

Distributor: Your quote is attached. I quoted this as new, let me know if this was for renewal. Top line is the perpetual license and is one time purchase, the next three lines are the 1,2 and 3 year options for the USC.

Me: Does the base license SKU have a minimum purchase of 5 licenses or can you just get 1?

Vendor: The base or perpetual license is based on number of devices.

Me: … So, no minimum purchase needed?

Vendor: Sorry missed that question, no there is no min purchase (meaning there is not a specific number needed) but they do need at least one. I believe in most cases I see the same number ordered as there are users, I can double check with Super Security on that.

You missed that question? It was the only question I asked!

Stupid (non-)psychics

Field: There is an account I can’t access. It appears to be done as I cannot open. Is this all set?

Me: Can you tell me the name of this account?

Seriously, we should just know the accounts you’re having trouble with as soon as you ask for help.

Are you now, or have you ever been stupid?

Field Manager on 10/13: Please give Bill Murray, employee #AAABBB access to System A.

Me: Bill already has access to that system and has been an active user.

 

Field Manager on 10/20: Please give Bill Murray, employee #AAABBB access to System A.

Me: Bill already has access to that system and has been an active user.

 

Field Manager on 10/27: Please give Bill Murray, employee #AAABBB access to System A.

Me: Bill already has access to that system and has been an active user. Is any assistance needed?

 

(Sometimes I wonder if they’re just playing a trick on me.)